This article is so "modern" with its language of negotiations and communications, it makes me smile. The idea of sitting down and discussing who will do this and that is a very modern approach to young life and a wonderful concept.
Traditionally, the father supported the mother and she had all her time to care for the infant. The division of labor was clear.
Today, it's changed and blessedly so. Today mother AND father work, and their time is no longer their own to choose. They both have commitments, workplace hopes and dreams, a circle of friends and activities that are not child related. If there is a constant battle between who will do what and who "gets to do what" and who has to "go without doing what," that's a shame because there is no greater blessing than the birth of a child and the addition of a child to a family. Perhaps the real issue is that there is simply too much to do.
In times past, mothers simply quit jobs. Grandmothers helped along with siblings, cousins, aunts and other available females so the dais of the male was not disturbed by the incredible work of caring for an infant. It was a family project and considered a primary joy - mostly a female joy.
When my grandfather lost his wife, he farmed out several of his nine children because he couldn't do the work. He didn't know how.
I think the article has the right aims to bring the male into the rearing of the child for the sake of everyone involved from the very beginning. Men do a magnificent job of childcare when they try. It's different from what women do, but it's as valuable in the life of the child. Men are often filled with joy when they succeed at the job of rearing their own children and claim there is nothing like it.
So many of us remember how our husbands relaxed after a long hard day - at the worst hour of the day when dinner had to be made and the kids were at their worst. And as we continued to work through that awful evening hour still producing, still making and doing, and being the wellspring of everyone's desires, and often through the night as well, that old "clear division of labor" only made for hard feelings and a sense of division of affections. Exhaustion and the withdraw of all personal time and all "think" time because there is a difficult baby in the house only embitters a person who has a life and a brain and wants to use it.
Today the give and take of work, care, time, effort and love is a wonderful and endearing communication and negotiation. When I see my son in law feed, hold, rock, change, bathe his infant son, I always tear up.
Life After Baby Arrives
Things Don't Stop When Your Child Is Born
-- By Karen Gardner, Parenting Writer
Most pregnant women have a one-track mind. For nine months, all they can think about is the day they finally get to meet and hold their baby.
“Too often we just think about labor and delivery,” says Julie Shields. “All we want is a healthy baby, and we don’t really think about what our life is going to be like later. That is when we run into problems.”
Shields, author of How to Avoid the Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making it Work, has interviewed hundreds of parents in all stages of child rearing. Her research shows that those happiest as parents have planned for life beyond the labor and delivery room.
Just as expectant parents need to plan for birthing classes and maternity leave, they need to plan for life with a new baby. In her book Shields points out that “Prospective mothers who don’t want to do it all themselves must divvy up household and baby responsibilities before the baby arrives. Otherwise, they will likely join the more than two thirds of new parents in conflict over their new roles.”
Planning for Parenthood
Negotiation: Becoming the parent or parenting team you want to be is rarely automatic. It typically takes planning, cooperation, and negotiation. According to Dr. Pamela Jordan, author of How to Strengthen Your Marriage As Your Family Grows, “Couples will likely find that their expectations, which emerge from their underlying values and beliefs, differ significantly. The couple then needs to sit down and negotiate how they want things to be in their family and their lives, and develop strategies to make it so.”
Research: Many first-time parents have very little knowledge of infant care. Therefore, Shields recommends that before their baby arrives, these people talk to a number of seasoned parents. Ask how their lives changed with parenthood, how they divide child care and household responsibilities, and if they are happy with their arrangement. Shields also suggests that expectant parents spend at least twenty-four hours with a newborn. This experience will help de-mystify parenthood, and make planning for life with a new baby that much easier.
Strategy: Once parents are aware of their new tasks and responsibilities, they must then devise a strategy. Shields recommends that parents “figure out together how you will allocate these jobs, taking into account current responsibilities, and respective strengths and weaknesses.” One way to do this is to map out a typical workday and weekend day with baby. Take the baby, household, and parental needs into consideration. This plan should also include a detailed arrangement for nighttime childcare, sleeping schedules, and personal time.
Communication: Just as a baby grows and changes, so does the role of parent. For ten years, Berkley psychology professors Carolyn Pape Cowan and Phillip Cowan studied the transition to parenthood. They use their research to help new parents communicate their needs and adapt to the ever-changing role of parent. “It doesn’t mean even if you worked something out together that this solution or arrangement that you decided on will work all the time,” says Carolyn Pape Cowan. She suggests that new parents practice flexibility and open communication, as well as having, "some kind of arrangement so that you have a forum to talk about it when you have a really bad week, or month, or period where you’re wondering whether what you’re doing still makes sense.”
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