Visiting Grandma...by Judy Lyden

Years ago I remember visiting my mother in Pittsburgh. I had three little kids, and I remember looking forward to getting away from home for a few days. My parents had huge stone house and a lovely rose garden and I could just imagine the "rest." Arrival was filled with hugs and kisses, and more or less it stopped there. I seemed to be "in the way," and the rest I had imagined was mostly in my head. Keeping the children from touching, breaking, and leaving toys around was harder than being at home. Our schedule was different from theirs, and the 6:00 a.m. up and the 7:30 p.m. to bed didn't mesh with brunch at 11:00 and dinner at 8:00. Moved trinkets didn't make up for the child's discovery of something with a number on it - everything in my parents' house was cataloged!

When my mother made the announcement that she would spend her next day at work, I was so disappointed, I think I cried. My father had it easy - he got up and went to work about 6:30. Alone in someone else's house with three kids!

Now, when my grand children visit, it's more or less the same thing in reverse with the exception of the numbered goodies. I buy junk for them to play with and if the junk breaks... oh well.

People of any age have routines that are not as easily put aside as we would like. As an older person, I find my routine to be a blessing. I am content getting up early and being alone in my house. I like that first morning tea and a look at the garden and a review of all I have to do that day without the demands of children. When my grandchildren come, being up with me is wonderful if, and only if, I can share MY routine with them. It is my house after all.

What visitors forget too often is that grandparents aren't on hold until children arrive. We don't live in a vacuum or on a shelf or in a closet until kids arrive. We have real lives and sometimes much more strenuous than our children's lives. It takes a lot of years and "sans" kids to be able to accomplish a great deal without the kiddie interruption!

What many child visitors do not appreciate is that parents often have very complicated lives and a whole list of things to accomplish in order to be emotionally comfortable. Putting aside some chores or activities is a given, but there are other things that must be done. When my children visit, I still have to maintain the school, write for the blog, and take care of a dozen other activities that involve me. Just abandoning all my activities and responsibilities for a week is not possible. Just getting everything done is sometimes daunting enough without the disruption of guests.

But guests are always welcome and the time shared is always a blessing. Unfortunately, the blessing can sometimes be tarnished. The tarnishing comes from one thing in particular. It's the lack of a communication skill. Why communication is so hard for some people is beyond me, but it is.

The most important thing a visitor or visitee can do is ASK A QUESTION about what needs to be done. "What do YOU need to do tomorrow, Mom?" It's the Everest question. That can be followed with "What do you WANT to do tomorrow, child?"

Making the visit a compromise of activities will make relationships grow stronger. It will take the pressure off busy lives meeting. It will unravel nerves, expectations, anger and frustration. Often the visit is around an occasion with several expected extra activities. For any sane adult, those activities are not last minute races to the finish line. I know I plan for everything, and because of a lack of communication, my plans are often bulldozed in favor of a last minute leap into the unknown which more often than not falls on its face. The question again to ask is of the householder is, "What have YOU planned for this occasion?" The follow up question is "How can I help?"

Assuming is a nasty little one-ups-man-ship. Assuming says, "You're incompetent, and once again I have to take over and do this for you." This breeds contempt on both sides. It is a contempt that does not have to ever come into play if one's communication skills are at even a C-- level.

Next time you visit or have a visitor try asking in the last telephone conversation, "What do you want to do and what do you need to do when we come or when you come to visit?" Then follow it up with more questions and less assumption.

I promise that this will make all visitations filled with green lights.