We often talk about the spoiled child with disgust. We label children as spoiled, we often fail to associate with spoiled children when we have a choice, and we certainly would choose just about any child who isn't spoiled as a guest when we go someplace special. We all know what "spoiled" means, but do we really understand where it comes from?
It's more than a child's stumbling block. It's more than a couple of years getting past a difficult "stage." It's a more than a poor parenting technique. It's a matter of a human formation that has gone terribly awry. Formation is the building of a human being from the moment of conception to emancipation. At that point the child must form himself and we call it maturity. When that formation is squeezed too tightly into a narcissistic only profile, the child can't help but be spoiled.
Tracking down the failure often means going back through the generations to find which bad example has misguided the child. Often it's the mother because it's her example that is most available to a child. Often it's the mother's mother who has set a selfish, mean spirited, me first example that haunts the whole family generation after generation.
The whole idea of "spoiled" comes from the inside out. A philosopher friend of mine once coined the expression, micropsychia. By that he meant someone's soul was completely consumed by the tiniest of matters - namely self when the whole world was in front of them. A spoiled child learns from a spoiled parent that he is number one, the only one who really matters, and as long as he is satisfied completely in any situation the world is rosy. If follows course because the parent believes he or she is also the only one who matters. It is never a good thing. It is often creates a very evil situation because we are not talking about the body only. We are talking about the soul, and being "small souled" is a dangerous and separating thing from both God and man.
The traits of the spoiled child are tantrums, wailing without tears for things that they are "cheated" from having. The spoiled child feels entitled to everything everyone else gets no matter what. It's almost funny because the spoiled parent will make sure that his or her child gets every single thing every other child has worked for no matter what. The spoiled child can never say thank you, please, excuse me, I'm sorry, or I was wrong. He breaks every rule and then is furious when caught. He lies, cheats, steals, and blames others for his poor behavior. These are learned traits because spoiled parents do the same thing.
The irony of the spoiled family is that the spoiled child is almost always found out to be a fraud. He or she is dressed to perfection, has all the right toys, does all the right activities, seems to have all the right stuff, but there is no substance, no genuineness, no depth - because he is small souled. The spoiled child rarely does well in school because even with some intelligence, there is the inability to give back what they have learned. It doesn't matter until it shows on a report card and then it's someone else's fault.
One of the attributes to friendship that children learn early is called exchange. "I'll play your game if you will play mine. I will give you half fo my ice cream if I can have half of your chocolate bar. I will let you watch your TV show, if I can watch mine later. I will help you clean your room, if you will help me clean mine." These are ordinary swaps that later become adult swaps. We learn in childhood that other people matter and have needs and our help is an investment in the world around us. It's called the human condition, and we learn to swap weaknesses and strengths with love and affection. It helps develop friendships and make the knowledge of one another important.
Spoiled children never offer to help anyone. They always seek help, take whatever is offered and never say thank you.
So how does a family turn spoiled into a geniune personality, something to be admired rather than something to be distained? It's not easy to strip the whole tree. Examining their own behaviors and expectations and changing self centered and grabby handed habits and a me first objective into a world of give and take can be frightening to the family who has never done that.
Beginning to turn around from Narcissius's pool might mean offering one's time to another without expecting a return on the investment. Learning to give freely of time talent and treasure one bit at a time takes time. But one little step at a time would show Narcissius that there are other pools in the universe. Finding other people's pools and recognizing other people as people would enlarge any soul. It would make the world a better place. It would encourage real friendships and a real knowledge of people.
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