When I was a young woman, my eagerness to please extended to my children. I hated saying "no" and more often than not, I said "yes" to the things they asked for. I've always wondered why I was more of a "yes" mom than the typical "no" mom, and I came to the conclusion that like a lot of things in my life. The question a child asks is like a multiple choice test.
Now I'm hyperactive having scored 100% on the DSM 4 test. I'm not attention deficit because I think attention deficit is just a lot of sloth and bad habits. I don't even put hyperactivity and attention deficit in the same rowboat. But that's another story.
For the typical hyperactive thinking, a multiple choice test is deadly. You read the question. You read the choices for answers, and the speed of your mind makes every one of the answers correct by changing this or that, problem solved in lightening speed and then you can't remember which is right and which is wrong. Give me an essay any time.
So when a child asks, "Can I..." your mind actually creates a multiple choice answer. You think of all the variables of the question, the probable outcomes, the emotional play, the learning aspects, the clean up and the "yes" "no" becomes very complicated. The answer "yes" always seemed to be a "do" answer rather than a "don't do" answer, and when you want your children to experience "yes" more than "no"...well you get the picture. I bought futons so more children could spend the night...
I tried to rarely say "no" with my own children, and today with my little students, I try to say "no" as little as possible. Children should learn from doing.
This theory about doing is a marvelous theory, and very helpful in the discipline area. If children are constantly busy with doing, then they are less likely to be caught being disobedient or rude or getting into trouble because their energies are well spent. It's a very good rule of thumb.
"No" should really be saved for absolute nots like rudeness, aggression, and destructive behaviors. The more mannered a child is, the more he gets to do. I will trust a well behaved child in the pet room long before I will trust one of dubious respect. It's a package deal.
One thing I've noticed is that many parents say no to "doing" but not to behavior issues. When this is the case, the whole world becomes a giant "NO" because poorly behaved children can't be trusted to do without issues.
When parents are afraid of saying "no" to a child who is misbehaving, the child spends most of his time in tears, tantrums, whining, pay backs - and these all ensue from a child whose parents fear him. When children are in the driver's seats of their parents lives, it's a dangerous place. Driving lines are not for children. Children have enough to manage without taking the parents' roles.
Telling a child "no" should be short and sweet, and if a tantrum or tears pour forth, parents should stick to their guns and not be deterred from being parents. It's the job of parents to run things not to be run.m Tears, tantrums and attempted pay-backs will not break a child.
Walking away from tears and tantrums is the best way to handle them. You will never convince him or her, so give up right away and slip into that bigger than you are role, or the "I said so" role.
The child, after all, is looking to get his way, and giving in will only make getting his way a possibility. Don't let that happen. Will the child break or dissolve or have permanent damage if he can't have or do what he wants? What we find at school is that children who are told "no" and they are on a regular basis, find something else to occupy them in moments. It's a plea that's fleeting.
One of the best discipline tactics is to never ever ever break a promise. A promise to a child is as binding as an oath. They will remember all the promises broken and remember them all their lives even on your death bed. So when a child asks, and you say yes, yes better be the outcome or you're a welsher.
Saying yes makes everyone feel great. It's a real boost to the person - the brain, the emotions, the mood, the scope. Yes is a wonderful gig. So in the future the goal is: say no to rude, nasty, destructive behaviors, and that will make saying yes to doing a lot easier all the way around.
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