The Compliment Free Zone

Imagine living in a compliment free zone. Imagine that nothing you do receives a kudo. If you work hard and achieve, it seems to go unnoticed. If you accomplish a positive result after many negative results, there is no one to say, "Congratulations."

If you look great, it's a mute affair. If you bring home a trophy, a stellar report card, a bonus, a present, a new car, an elephant, it's all the same...not worth mentioning. This is a compliment free zone, and many people live in them, and sadly, many adults create these worlds for children. There is even a child expert who advocates a compliment free zone. His name is Alphie Kohn.

On the other side of the mountain, there is the wide wonderful teaching zone of compliments.

"I love that drawing, Magnetta!"

"Thank you, Miss Judy. I just did this and this and this," and the child eagerly shows, practices, and verbalizes her work and accomplishments.

"Those beads are beautiful, Robby. What made you string only the yellow and the blue beads."

"They are my mom's favorite colors," he says proudly.

When we extend ourselves in a loving and very human congratulatory cavalcade of words, we create a positive effect on the world. We teach that which is pleasing, beneficial, interesting and superior to things that are "not worth mentioning."

"I love these cookies, Miss Amy. How did you get them so moist?"

"I'm not sure. But I think it's the extra egg."

"That quiche looks fantastic, how did you manage such a great crust?"

And so the exchange of compliments leads to learning... practically every single time. It might not be a huge knowledge leap, but there is always information exchanged, and that's what kids and most adults need to feel good about themselves.

The big sixty four thousand dollar question is: Why would someone constantly fail to encourage another by refusing to notice their achievements?

Well, there's the sociopath who is so focused on self, they can't begin to ask anyone question that won't fill their own quasi emotional pocket, compliment another or learn anything from anyone because nobody really matters but self. And since that's only one in twenty-five people, we don't generally have to focus too much on that answer.

Then there's the green eyed monster answer, and many people would shrug the negative person off with "they're just jealous," but jealousy toward a child is really a strange bit of evil.

There's the "He doesn't know how. Never learned it in childhood and probably won't ever be that kind of generous person."

There's the oblivious answer. "So and so is oblivious to what is going on, so don't expect he/she to notice anything."

Perhaps the one thing that makes the most sense is: He or she who refuses to acknowledge another simply is not in the habit of doing so. Bad habits can take over a life that is in chaos. These bad habits begin in childhood and grow up with us, so that we never really learn to verbalize someone else.

Putting a smile on another's face is such a pleasure, it's hard to imagine giving that up. I can't imagine a day that I don't make our children at school laugh. Making someone laugh, smile, or take pride in something they have done is such a personal lift...almost makes you feel selfish!

The next step, of course, is teaching the children to say uplifting, complimentary things to one another. We will spend February doing just that because February is "social awareness month."

It's not hard to compliment someone. It's not only the exceptional people who encourage others. It's not only the boss, the achievers, the sales types, the athletes, the pros, the rich, the saints of this world who reach out to others and say, "Hey...I liked that because." Anyone with a voice can say something true to another that will make them feel good.

And does it cost to say something nice? No, it's free. In fact, saying something nice to someone else is such an effective tonic, it takes years off the voicer's life because it reduces stress, lowers the blood pressure and puts a smile on the headache waiting to happen.

Say something nice to a stranger, and you have made your own day. Say something nice to a child and encourage him to say something nice to another child, and you have a lifted feeling like no other.

Life is supposed to be joyful, a happy experience, an encouraging stream of goodness flowing from each of us. Extend that handshake and encourage and advances everyone around you. You'll be glad you did...then go teach your child how to...