Truth and Fiction

Back in April, I published a column on spanking because it was hot in the news, and there was a lot of controversy about it. As a concerned parent and grandparent, I realize that not only is every child different, but every situation is different. There is no legitimate tool of parenting I would dismiss, even when it goes against the modern agenda.

Here is the column I published:

Mortimer refuses to cooperate. When he is asked by a teacher to put away a toy, he walks away from his mess. When he is scolded, he sticks out his tongue. When he is put in time out, he yells at the teacher and says “No!”

Some adults would say that the teacher had no right to scold Mortimer, and that Mortimer should not sit in time out because time out corrects behavior by coercion. The teacher is only Mortimer’s facilitator.

Consequently, Mortimer is not afraid to say and do as he pleases. Nothing in Mortimer’s world is going to interfere with his carefree unopposed life.

Now let’s get real. In the world we know, a four year old who is fearless and thinks he dominates every situation is really in constant danger. Think of all the things that could happen to an unreasonable child who refuses to take a single direction.

“Leave the dog alone; put the matches down; stay on the sidewalk; don’t touch the knife; stay out of the pool.”

Undisciplined children lack trust. Mortimer doesn’t trust the adults in charge of his life because they are only his facilitators not his primary teachers. Mortimer has developed what is commonly called a lack of respect.

Respect, quite frankly, comes from the presence of fear – the new four letter word in child rearing. Should children fear anything and if so what?

Fear is a perception at its worst, and a limit at its best. Sometimes fear comes from the natural world, and sometimes from the social world.

Mortimer’s parents have a respect for fire, heights, speed, deep water, large wild animals, storms, and a host of other physical things. As well they fear social disgrace, rebuke and alienation.

Mortimer depends on his parent’s code of honor to be safe and accepted, and he should, but everyone knows that if Mortimer’s parents lived his unopposed lifestyle, the response from the adult world would hurt. Hurt is a natural repercussion of imprudence or bad choices.

Very young children don’t understand repercussions because they are not reasonable. The cause and effect of choosing poorly takes a long time. Most reasonable adults know that trying to reason with a three year old is ludicrous. Offering behavior alternatives to a four year old is laughable. It almost constitutes neglect.

A child’s imprudence is small in the scheme of things. His punishment should be small as well. In traditional society, it is called a spanking. A spanking is not a violent action against a child. It’s only the teaching shadow of the fear that naturally confronts us in the adult world when we are foolish and endanger ourselves.

Pain is the tool that teaches that we are not invincible, and that our world is not set up by facilitators who allow us to go unopposed.

The ability to calmly suggest changes to a naughty child is for the parent who has done his work. When his children are curbed from the beginning, and that’s most kids, parents are free to go calmly into the storm.

But poorly behaved children need to meet consequences of unacceptable behaviors. And sometimes, like nature and the rebuke of society, it hurts. A safe loving discipline like a spanking is such a measure.

The alternative to spanking is to allow children to go unopposed into the public system fearless and defiant. Then it is too late. They are often treated for the gamut of childhood mental disorders, drugged and spend a lifetime helplessly trying to catch up.

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I received a lot of fan mail about the column. Lots of people wrote to say, “Thanks for saying what we are afraid to say.” But the critics are out there, and I’m sure this column helped lead my column being dropped at the paper. For a more modern agenda, the very idea of spanking a child is so detestable, there is no equivalent.

Then, last week, I saw this letter to the editor published on the Internet. Needless to say, I read with relish and a little horseradish:

I feel compelled to respond to Judy Lyden's column of April 8 titled "For all of us, respect comes from the presence of fear." This author endorses the use of spanking as a means of instilling fear in young children in order to create respect. She also states that the only effective discipline is physical punishment. Lyden suggests that opposition to spanking "almost constitutes neglect."

As a therapist who specializes in counseling with children and a former child protection worker, I strongly and urgently oppose this method of supposedly teaching children respect. There are numerous behavioral programs available today to help parents raise responsible, respectful children without hitting them. Child protection workers and the court system have ample evidence that spanking can result in damage to young bodies and minds.

Erma Bombeck once responded to the advice to never spank your child when you're angry with the question, "Why would I hit my kids when I'm happy and calm?" Adults spank when they are angry and the anger often stems from someone or something other than the child. A child is an easy target for anger release. Spanking is not a responsible method of guiding young children.

Raising children was the most difficult job that I've ever known. The tasks are endless and parents are on call 24 hours seven days a week. My biggest regret from my child-rearing days is that I spanked my children.

I only spanked when I was angry or frustrated at something or somebody other than my children. When I was calm and in control, I had no difficulty in providing positive reinforcement which produced effective results.

My children do not spank my grandchildren and I am grateful. My parents used spanking as a discipline method and I do not respect them because they spanked. I respect my parents because I know they loved us and tried to provide the very best for us.

Barbara Coloroso, author of "Kids Are Worth It" and an internationally-recognized speaker on parenting writes, "Physical punishment is an obvious form of abuse and fear teaches children to obey only until they are able to get what they need themselves or they grow big enough to strike back or leave."

Dr. Thomas Phelan, author of "1-2-3 Magic, Effective Discipline for Children" and an internationally-renowned expert and lecturer on child discipline, writes that "research tells us that physical discipline tends to generate anxiety in children, lower their self-esteem and make the kids more likely to become aggressive themselves."

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As a thinking person, it would be easy to take this laughably apart. I could say "get it right or where did you learn to read," but when you do that, you lessen the intent, and the intent is the humanly inspired work of the heart and soul, and that would be wrong. This person was serious about her letter, so the gracious and rightful thing to do is to read between the lines and wonder about the real intent.

I think perhaps the intent of this letter is to further a very modern agenda invading our child rearing world. It seems to a modern mind to be ultra reasonable.

The agenda is built on a misconception that the common home and the ordinary family have failed utterly to rear children. This modern trend disregards the home as a useless tool, a place where the family’s influence on a child should be squashed by the later influences of the “professionals” who can influence children once a child reaches daycare or school.

The two houses of thought battling it out here are fundamentally divided. One that says formation comes from the home and one that inspires public places and public people like teachers and psychologists to reform the child outside the home.

I believe in the family and the home, and I believe that formation in the home is generally good and competent, and that individual choices and styles are an important part of our freedom to rear our children. I believe no matter what one does, the home is the primary educator of the child and will ultimately influence the child more than anything else.

I think the very idea that says the “experts” know more than the parents is wrong. That’s a real problem especially when no child seems to be turned away from therapy and the roulette numbers scream 10 to 30 percent of children are in need of psychological help. That’s ridiculous; that’s fraud. Who needs a new boat?

Personally, my greatest concern is what I call false reporting which I see all too often. My own intent was to show spanking as an option. Anyone who says spanking and hitting, especially a professional, is assault or even in the same ball park needs a college refund. What I wrote and what was reported about what I wrote are two very different things. Getting it right is important. Getting it wrong is common. But read them for yourself and decide.