Behavior Begins at Home by Judy Lyden

Behavior is taught in the home. Children learn to behave through the example of parents, siblings, and guests who visit or even stay for a long time in a home. Children are remarkably interested in the behavior skills or the behavior errors of those they witness. But more than anyone else, a child will examine his parents' behavior first and primarily and will copy it.

Good parents sometimes ask why a very young child, a child who is three or four or even five, is behaving poorly, why he's angry or violent. The answer nearly always lies someplace at home. The copy cat behavior may be misinterpreted; it may be something taken out of context and misconstrued; it may be a one time thing a child has seen and continues to copy, but behavior patterns are patterns and they are learned.

Rarely do peers influence a child's constant poor behavior. And teachers always lament that what children learn at school often evaporates at home. Normally, this is not a bad thing, because we want children to learn from parents first. The parent is the primary educator of the child, and that helps to make the home the primary teaching place. These are traditional values and well worth keeping.

When it doesn't work, however, when values get misdirected at home, it's hard to re-teach outside the home. That's where cooperation comes in between home and school. A teacher's job is to make sure that during a school day, a child is able to learn in a safe and structured environment. If children learn violence at home, they will bring it to school. If they learn disrespect at home, they will bring that to the classroom as well, and the actual teaching halts in a classroom in order to put safety back in place.

This is the time for intervention. It's the time for parents to listen to teachers about helping children change behavior patterns.

Learning that violence is an acceptable way of life comes from seeing, hearing, and experiencing violence at the hands of parents. When parents shout at one another, when they occasionally hit one another or the dog, or kick the TV, or slam doors or throw things, children are learning.

And parents may not be lashing out themselves, but perhaps the music, TV or movies they are watching are demonstrating that violence is acceptable. If mom is watching this stuff, it must be a good way to act, so thinks the child. And he will begin to act out what he has seen on TV, from movies, from sports events and what he hears in song. And he will hit, bite, scratch, slap, and generally abuse those kids around him while he is playing the role of TV hero.

Children won't make the distinction between heroes and barbarians, and a constant TV menu of violence can produce a violent child. A child may not even know he is violent. People of violence think they have a right to be violent and hurting, and will do it as often as they choose.

Angry parents will also produce angry children, and angry children will lash out at those around them. Even if parents hold it in, children may not be able to hold emotions in because they have not developed the skills to put anger away for the sake of others. Children will invariably copy an angry parents' behavior by being artificially angry simply because that's what dad does, or mom does, or grandma who slams her door all the time.

Parents who are constantly in a state of angry flux, frustrated by their days, impatient with others, irritated by what's around them will create a mimicking child. This angry child will rise into an angry state as a first response to anything or everything and violence always follows.

The answer to correcting violence at home is to begin all over again today with a complete change of attitude. Finding out what triggers anger and then violence at home is essential. Stopping the adult behavior is the first step in correcting a violent child.

Questions for parents to ask to get to the bottom of anger issues:

1. Do I like being home, and am I happy there or would I rather be someplace else?
2. Is my TV or radio or music player on; is it on louder than the room's conversation?
3. Am I aware of what is broadcasting as acceptable teaching material, or is the sound just on?
4. Can I name the last five TV shows my children watched?
5. How do I respond to my children after a long day?
6. How do I respond to my spouse and his or her problems when they walk in the door?
7. Do I bring my office or work frustrations home and take it out on my family?
8. When was the last time I laughed at home or hugged someone I'm suppose to love?
9. Am I creative at home or do I just expect everyone else to make the home work?
10. How do I view myself?
House guard
Housekeeper
House clown
House dog
House matriarch
House Atlas

Next time: Making it better