Making Life Better at Home by Judy Lyden

One of the toughest things to do as a parent is to make a clean sweep change in the home because there are other people to consider. Suddenly doing things differently can meet with every negative in the human sphere. Children will be defiant; spouses may be passively aggressive; in laws critical and neighbors taken back as new rules and new schedules emerge.

Before making clean sweeps, it's best to use a little thing we used to make good use of namely self examination. The question to ask the self is: What have I done or failed to do in the past that I'm now going to change?

Have I been too lax about things that matter?
Have I been too strict about things that really don't matter?
Have I given my children room to grow or have I been stingy about time and space?
Have I jumped to conclusions without taking the time to listen?
Have I simply not listened because it's just too hard?
Have I brushed off my spouse or my child in favor of my own needs?

These activities are primary in making anger or violence emerge, so really examining the self to understand where the problem lies is a first job. The question of where the anger comes from will lead to success. Failing to get to the bottom of the cause of the anger will not allow success.

Most anger stems from ignorance and a reluctance to participate in the activities that call us. Someone who is angry has generally failed to fully enter the play be it household or workplace or church or club or source place of the anger. When they are finally forced to participate, anger surfaces when they finally have to participate. By keeping aloof of activities, ignorance of what the play actually is forces all kinds of negative feelings, and when laughter surfaces from the play, the parent who is not connected is likely to snap.

By learning to step into any and all activities in the home, to be aware, to be listening, parents will become a part of the play. Being part of the play takes every question above and neutralizes them one by one.

While we are in the play or activities at home we establish what is important, what is not, allow for growth without play becoming a free for all. We naturally listen so we don't have to ask later. We learn to listen so the barriers dissolve. And by entering the play we establish a connection so that no one feels brushed off.

But what about my needs? I don't want to be constantly in the midst of other people's activities and play. I have my own agenda.

These words bespeak a single person without children. The role of parent is participation in the lives of those he or she is rearing. The very idea that someone can remain aloof, distant or other than the family is a wrong idea. That's why playrooms away from the family space are a bad idea. Children need to play underfoot because that's where they learn most - from those they love the most. When children slide off into other spaces, they separate from the parent and also become aloof.

But there's mess. Yes, children come with a considerable amount of mess. But mess should only be mess for an allowed time. Mess is one of the greatest achievers of anger and violence in the household. By establishing a time when the mess gets picked up every evening and put away until the next day will allow other family times to emerge - like a dinner hour, like an after dinner family time, like bath time and finally a reasonable bed time - the toys are gone, the mess is over for the day, and now we can do what is also important.

A friend of mine asked me the other day about her children's failure to clean up a mess that led to household anger. I reminded her that forfeit is an excellent plan in the event of reluctance of a child to take responsibility of cleaning his own mess. By using a clean unused garbage can with wheels, a parent can clean the offending mess at the appointed time and then park the can away for a time out of reach of the child. Whatever is in the can remains in the can for 24 hours. If it includes homework, school uniforms, glasses, whatever, it will show the child the need to take responsibility and help. When a child tells his teacher that he does not have his homework because he failed to comply with a parent's need for help, he probably won't do it again.
It doesn't have to be angry.

By establishing a stop time for play, children understand other household needs. They begin to understand a new rhythm of activities. By understanding other household needs, manners begin to emerge again, and there is generally more peace at home.

Next time: manners and why they are the life of the home.