If you've ever watched a group of children play, interact or just plain enjoy something together, it's easy to see the different personalities blossoming. Right from the beginning children are either contributers or collectors. They either give information sharing what they know, bringing up questions that the whole group can learn from, or they collect what is being given out by the teacher and use it privately as if they are the only child there.
This week during circle time little boy named David asked a marvelous question: How can an igloo be air tight if the blocks are square? Brilliant question for a six year old. Our first grade teacher was delighted, and Miss Kelly promptly did a math project that corresponded to the question. The children built with three kinds of blocks - rectangular blocks from a Jinga set, square old fashioned blocks from an old alphabet set, and trapezoid blocks from a set meant to build a coliseum. They learned about building, about blocks, about life and mostly about sharing ideas. They quickly saw the difference.
But what if David had kept that question to himself? What if David refused to share? What if David was a collector instead of a contributor? What makes one child a giver and another a taker?
The question must always return to the home because it is from the home that children learn the most about being in the world. The parent is the primary educator of the child. So who are David's parents? David is lucky because his parents are outgoing, loving, positive people; they share with purpose and energy, and that makes all the difference.
In every early childhood place, there will be children who always pick up their toys, who want to help, who offer a smile, an extra chair at the table to someone out in the emotional cold. They offer ideas, questions, and points of view politely and in a loving manner. These children have lots of friends, are respected by their community, and can tackle jobs and work with blossoming talents.
But not all children are like this. Some children are simply takers. They take from the community all the time and effort they can, and they return very little. They talk about themselves exclusively as if they are the only children in the room. They make it known what they want as if no one else matters. They interrupt with what is important to them as if no one else has ideas or anything of value to share. They make demands on the group for time and more time, and they make their presence known as well, but it's all centered around them and it's always about what they didn't get. They never ask questions much less listen to the answer. These children have few friends and can never seem to accomplish anything. They rarely contribute to the group. Their talents are hovering around tending the basics - self care, personal habits, what they did and what they didn't do. It's as if they can't pull away from self to enter the warmer atmosphere of the giving children. There is a natural block and the question is why. It too must return to the parents, because this is what they learned at home.
The question parents should ask is: what am I teaching my child by my own example. Am I teaching my child how to give or take? Am I teaching my child to share his thoughts and work, or am I teaching him to collect without even thinking of the community around them? A good indicator is how many friends your child mentions in an average week, because through an awareness of friendship do people begin to open up and share.
Let's look at communication skills to see what could be the culprit. There are three main levels of conversation or communication, and children glean this at home. They listen to what their parents talk about and they mimic this in school. The least important is the discussion about things like cars, houses, clothes, toys, TVs, and possessions in general. Quite frankly, a discussion about things is dull. You can make that even duller by talking exclusively about "my things." When my things dominate a conversation in school, there is only one thing to do with it: climb to the top of the mountain of belongings, and this usually takes an ugly turn. Children will compete for who has what, and it separates friends and causes children to fight.
The middle level of discussion is about people. Discussing people can easily become gossip, and that's never a good thing. Conversation about people should be informative and interesting and complimentary. Children are listening! People talk should give the listener a lift not a descent into tales out of school. Gossip breeds hatred not love, and children who busy-body, gossip or tattle about other children have also listened to what their parents talk about. Tearing apart another person who is not present to defend themselves is not an example for children to hear at all. It breeds contempt and we should not be teaching children to have contempt for one another.
At the same time, a conversation deadens instantly when the activities or advice of someone outside the immediate discussion is constantly brought in. "My mother says; well my sister always; well my aunt does it this way; well Jane Smith down the street always..." It's always a show stopper because how does anyone compete with the ghostly mother, sister, aunt, or Jane down the street? Why is what we are saying not good enough that some anonymous voice must be brought into the conversation? This is confusing to adults, and much more confusing to children. At the same time, older people have the bad habit of contributing "When I was young," and the truth is it's competitive, and will chase younger less experienced women from a conversation so fast, it's like someone blew the take cover whistle!
The highest form of discussion includes ideas. We spend our school youth trying to understand the ideas of parents, teachers, experts, thinkers, and famous people. When we are adults, we can apply those ideas to our life. If they are good ideas, they will give us impetus to move in one direction or another. Children need ideas that they can understand. Ideas are the least spoken of in discussions because they are the hardest to speak about. Many people are not concerned with ideas because they spend most of their lives concerned about things and who is doing what to whom, and that's a shame because ideas are the fun part of life.
David's question was really a lead into an idea about shapes, about how it works, about people and how they live, how they accomplish the great feat of building an igloo and keeping it habitable. David is six. David asks all kinds of questions because he is thinking and wondering. David does not gossip, and David does not list his toys, David shares and is thoughtful.
Ideas are about life, about behavior, about achievement, about understanding. Ideas pull collectors into the contributers corner. Ideas lift the human heart out of the mundane and the unimportant and pushes the mind to work, to achieve, to answers and solve problems. Ideas leave possessions and gossip in the dust where they belong.
Think about what you showed your child today by your own conversation. If you don't know how to change lesser habits, try asking your child, "What do you think of ...." It can be anything. Your child will need to practice too. It's a family effort. Enjoy it.
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