A Standard of Behavior by Judy Lyden

One of the things we've been talking about at school among the faculty is something called a "standard of behavior." A standard by which behavior can be appropriately applied to any public situation.

What we've noticed this summer is that some children have learned this standard of behavior, and they live by it. These children could be taken to anywhere in the world, and their behavior could be counted upon to be nearly perfect. That accounts for perhaps 50 percent of children.

Then there are the 25 percent who know what is expected; who know all the rules and decide in each situation whether it is to their advantage to maintain the standard or to overthrow it at the last moment simply because it's more fun to do the wrong thing.

Then there are the 25 percent of children who don't have the foggiest notion that there is anything expected of them and for the life of them couldn't guess what the expectations could be. When they go into public places, it's a giant personal playground built and maintained expressly for them, and all adults are servants there to cater to the child's every whim. These children are rude, noisy, careless, treat things and others as obstacles, and are thankless or even clueless that thanks are even in order.

Where does it begin? As with any training, teaching a standard of behavior begins at home. It is imparted by the parent to the child every day and every time a child goes out into public. It is imparted because the parent has a standard of behavior he or she wants his or her child to learn. Most parents want their children to be in the the 50 percent who understand what is expected of them and comply, but this doesn't happen magically. Parents must act, must demand and expect that this standard is maintained.

It all begins somewhere in the third year when a child becomes aware he is able to choose what he does. He is no longer in the knee-jerk behavior of the toddler; he has become aware that he can choose for himself obedience or disobedience.

As I watch my daughter, Molly, train her two year old, I remember how difficult this can be. Last week I watched the child turn off the TV and his mother told him "no" because his brother was playing a game. I watched my grandson's face. He knew he had a choice, simply because he has fingers and can walk and can get himself to the TV, to turn off the TV again or to quit. At the same time, his mother has the choice of either making her "NO" count or letting the child have his way who decided to repeatedly turn off the TV.

I can hear the echo - "No biggie; choose your battles..." and in many homes the behavior would be ignored. But not in hers.

Molly knows like anything in life, there are other consequences and sometimes a spiraling effect on the whole family both at home and later in public. By letting the younger child turn the TV off, he is ruining his older brother's game. Peace in the house could be destroyed. But worse, by turning away from the behavior of one child for any reason, and letting the game be ruined, the parent is choosing sides. This teaches the older child that his game doesn't matter, and the younger brother's disobedience doesn't matter either. This makes the older child's obedience questionable. What's good for the goose... at home and again in public.

With great energy, Molly reprimanded the two year old and sent him to his room. He cried and returned to play peacefully in about two minutes. He is learning to obey.

What children are learning at two is that they really do have choices. They also should be learning that their choices have an agreeable or disagreeable impact on the people around them. Too often children learn through parents' neglect that they have an enormous range of choices - too many - and they can't handle all of them.

What they don't learn is their choices either care for the people around them or they injure the people around them. They should be learning that for some things there is only one choice. This takes constant work and effort on the part of the parents.

A standard of behavior says, "Everyone in the room matters and disobedience is not welcome here." That begins in the home and continues when children go into public places. A public place is not a self indulgent playground but a common ground for people who have chosen to go there. And parents need to be aware of this first. When parents view public places as personal playgrounds made expressly for them, the children learn that instead.

To a world that is more crowded than ever, children who are too loud, disruptive, or disrespectful or even destructive, the message sent from parents to other adults is simple: someone at home doesn't care enough to make their child aware that he is hurtful and disruptive.

Caring about a child means teaching a child how to behave in public. A toddler is a toddler and has not yet learned, but somewhere in that third year a child should begin to be taught what is expected and he should be able to be obedient to the parent any time any place.

Learning to cooperate and mind the rules is not difficult especially if parents have a standard of behavior of their own. By evaluating one's own thoughts about public domain, we can see what we are imparting to our children in the way of a standard of behavior.

Are public places places we need to respect and take care of right down to public toilets? Do we leave our mess behind as something for someone else to clean up? Do we expect that there is some elf squad to keep public places clean?

Do we litter? Do we leave our trash behind?

Do we allow our children to scream in public and make a scene?

Do we allow our children to race about knocking into people, to climb in no climbing zones, to run ahead of us and make their own way even in no go zones?

Do we take too long in line and make other people wait unnecessarily?

Do we let our children disrupt shoppers, diners, line standers, movie watchers?

What are we about when we are in public? Are we showing our children that other's count too?

The best thing parents can offer children is a good example. It begins by being thoughtful of those we are around daily, and then by being thoughtful when we are in public. Kindness is kindness no matter when we are kind and no matter to whom we offer it.