Expectations by Judy Lyden

One of the problems with "bringing up baby" is expectation. The question "What are your expectations for this child?" seem calculating, demanding and cold. Almost seems like a judge with a small hammer waiting to hit someone. The answer kindly wants to be put off indefinitely, and many times we just shove the nasty expectation question into the back of the closet as if we never really have to answer it.

The problem with putting off expectations or refusing to establish those expectations is that children are mostly formed by seven. If you wait until seven or after, shoving expectations at them is like asking them to eat the poisoned apple. Children without expectations in their very young childhood have a much better chance of developing emotional problems.

If you think of expectations as little archetypal behaviors, it's easier to handle. I want my child to be healthy; kind; honest; and have a good work ethic. Seems pretty easy, but arriving at these archetypal behaviors means more expectations and most of these begin with the parent.

To get to healthy, we have to expect that a child will learn to eat appropriately, and that often means a parents' careful watch. Is a child expected to sit for family meals or can he float around the house dropping in like a bird to peck at this or that until the family meal is over? Is a child expected to carry on a lively conversation at meal time, or is the meal time a battle ground of "I don't want to eat that!" Is a child expected to eat healthy foods and enough of them so that he isn't the first in the class to catch every cold, flu, and infection? Just one of these questions answered yes means parents are not serious about healthy children.

Expectations in the healthy department begin with the daily routines including bed time. These daily routines are the parents' control issues. If a child is expected to be healthy, then most of the expectations begin with the parent. Buying, making, offering, food is an art.

I want my child to be kind! I expect my child to treat others like he would like to be treated. That's a good start. Now what is your child's example? Children often regard the world with the same viewpoint of the parent. If the parent is unruly, unkind, and unfair, the child will copy that behavior and also be unruly, unkind, and unfair. If the parent jumps to conclusions about people, places and things, you can bet it will be mimicked by the child. Critical children have critical parents. Overbearing unkind children will come from overbearing unkind parents. Most of a child's behavior is learned at home and copies the parents' behavior trait for trait.

On the other hand, openly kind people rear openly kind children who are well behaved, confident and polite as they enter the world with a sense of fairness likened only to a good judge.

I want my child to be honest! Most children are naturally honest, but some have learned from what they hear and see at home that honesty doesn't pay the same as dishonesty. When it's OK to take that, to lie about that, to weasel and connive at home, that is what a child takes with them to school and into the world. When a child cheats at sports, he has learned to cheat at home. When a child is demanding an selfish in the classroom, he or she has learned that at home.

On the other hand, people who are honest rear children who have the same social sense. The sense that the world has treated them fairly and that their role is to respond in kind.

I want my child to have a good work ethic! This is the hardest thing to teach because much of our work is the thing that takes us from the home into the world and away from the child. The example of work dissolves in front of TV. TV is probably the antithesis of work. Children in child care see parents predominantly at home, and if the example is a constant relaxation in front of TV with the whole focus of action aiming toward it, then the child see the parent's drive toward relaxation as the goal.

On the other hand, if TVs are left for sometimes, toys will take up the slack and make a work ethic possible. Toys that create like crayons and blocks and play centers - toys that become like buildings and cities made with legos or even kitchen cans will teach a child more about work than all the video games in the world, because the individual pieces depend on him to make something from nothing.

Along with work ethic comes good student work ethic. I once told a family who wanted their child to be a strong reader, that unless they read in front of their child, the child will probably not be a strong reader. The example of intellectual pursuits begin with the parents. Readers beget readers; books beget books. When children have books but parents do not, then they are obviously toys and not tools. When children shake off their toys, the books will be part of the shake off. Spending an evening or two reading as a family is not a far way to go. It's a good example for children, and will increase their student work ethic.

Wanting and getting are two different things. It takes more expectation on the part of the parent than the part of the child. Setting a good example, doing the right things as a model, and never giving up are the tools good parents need to help children become the healthy, kind, honest contributor to the world.