Apples Don't Fall Far From the Tree

Not everything you read about children is true. Most of it is either "duh" or "huh?" When people don't trust themselves they fly to the authorities and read, read, read in order to understand the child. They gather a lot of material, and then try to apply it to their child like an over sized plastic orange raincoat. At best, it's an over sized plastic orange raincoat.

Understanding a child - almost any child - means observing the child. But just watching won't cut it. One has to watch a child with an eye to having watched the parent of the child. Apples simply don't fall far from the tree. It's an old saying that means children are very much like their parents.

My husband always laments the fact that our children are quite odd, often don't seem like other people, don't do what other people do, and aren't satisfied with ordinary things and activities. The comeback to that is: So are you, dear. And so am I.

The plain truth is, hyperactive people breed hyperactive children. Introverted people breed introverted children. Artists usually have artistic children; innate traits are passed down from generation to generation. It's the same way with personality traits. So when you want to figure out the child, just observe mom and dad, and most questions can be answered.

Understanding children in general is another question. One of the things we don't hear very often is "the age of reason." That got thrown out with the land line. The age of reason is simply the age when children start to become responsible for what they say and do. Some kids hit it early and some late, but mostly it's about age seven. By about age seven, a child knows exactly what he's doing and is liable for the consequences. The problem is, many of the adults in charge of problem children's lives have not emotionally hit the age of reason, so foisting it on their child seems a bit daunting.

So with difficult children, we need to ask ourselves if mom and dad have hit that critical "age of reason" and if parents are willing to admit that they are responsible for anyone in sight including themselves. And the answer is: probably not.

So we hit the books - and we develop all kinds of pretty names that describe a child's nasty behavior - Oppositional Defiant is my favorite. Hyperactive with Attention Deficit is another. Bi Polar has a nice new heap of bodies. And at this point nobody would dare say, "knock it off, kid."

Understanding the child means to look beyond this heap of nonsense and figure out just what has gone wrong in a child's life and to get to the starting point of that wrong, and fix it. Instead of going to the drugstore and pumping the wronged child with lots of narcotics and spending hours talking about him as if he's not in the room, perhaps it's time to look in the mirror. Apples don't fall far from the tree, remember?

Failure to address problems is a personality trait. Many people hide problems under the carpet until there is a mountain of hidden treasures. Hiding problems, failure to address problems, and failure to act on problems only means the problem will continue and continue and could destroy a child's life. Many parents enjoy problems with children because it allows the parent to stay at the center of everyone's attention.

Understanding the child is really a matter of introspection. It's a matter of coming clean with yourself about your own failures and about your own abilities.