Femininity is an interesting idea. What is it? Is it still useful in the early twenty-first century? Who is feminine and who is not? Does femininity disburse when the work starts? Or do those who are feminine just scatter or "swoon" when the work starts? Is femininity something of value? Is it a natural trait? Is it a cosmetic thing or is it from the heart? What does this illusive trait mean?

Two years ago, a pair of sisters told me I was the least feminine person they knew. I suppose it was because I could open the gallon pickle jars and they couldn't. I thought a lot about that for a long time because the idea or the definition of femininity didn't come with pickle jars for me. It came with a much deeper meaning.

Is femininity really and truly measured in the depth of pancake makeup, the length of finger nails, the showiest clothes, the jangly-est earrings, the latest fashions, the best car, the nicest hair cut...or is femininity something that comes from the heart and manifests itself in generosity, kindness, and affection for others?

When I think of manliness, I think of a man who will defend me at all costs. I think of a service man, a policeman, a fireman who will go into situations to make me safe. I don't care if he wears a dress in public, a man who will defend me against perpetrators is a masculine man. That ability to go into combat comes from a conviction that it's his job and his duty. He puts self away to protect those around him. If he's wearing a pink tutu while he's loading his gun, who cares?

At the same time, someone who is feminine also has duties, and those duties and the ability to fulfill those duties well reflect on her ability to be feminine. Women in marriage naturally give life. It's a product of marriage. When that happens, the chain of events also demands that this woman give time, talent and treasure to the family she has naturally produced - without ceasing. It's the prayer of the feminine woman. Can the wife and mother who announces, "I don't do domestic things" be a truly feminine person? "I don't know how to..." fill in the blank. Can this ever be a good and positive response to a woman's life?

What are the needs of the family she has created, and who will provide for that need if she refuses? Should the man in the tutu provide for her job as well? Will that make him feminine? Is there a need for the feminine contribution, or can we just depend on anything and everything to do it for us because we don't want to?

Roles have certainly changed in the last one hundred years. Women dictate a lot of what they will and won't do. Is this a femininity booster or is this in fact a femininity destroyer?

When I think of the ultimate woman, I think of someone who can and does it all. Someone who can achieve a good public voice, someone who can manage a home, entertain, be successful at any job, manage children, and entertain the kind of hobbies that produce good. But more than anything I think of someone who is understanding, someone who is generous, kind, and involved with others. The last thing that occurs to me is what someone is wearing, driving, or their hair cut. And the fact that she can open a pickle jar...

So how does this effect the treatment and care of children? Teaching a child to live up to his or her potential means offering ideas based on truth. If a girl likes building, that means her mathematical interests are growing - support that, encourage that and help that grow. Let her take her interest in the direction that makes her happy. She is learning good things.

If a boy likes messing around in the kitchen, that's wonderful. Let him mix and mash and organize all he wants. He might become a great chef, a chemist, a biologist, a forensics master.

Interests are precious and particular, and children will openly voice their likes and dislikes about what they do. My favorite example is paper mache. Children are not allowed to get their hands dirty today, and that's the reason there is so much illness now, but that's another topic. So paper mache is not considered "fun" by many children, both boys and girls, who can't stand goo on their hands.

Let's talk about goo on the hands. Life can't be lived well with no goo. May I suggest kneeding bread, changing a diaper, cleaning, gardening, art...are these things we shy away from because they are NOT feminine? Is the feminine mystique so "pillowed and protected" that we lose these activities in favor of something encased in plastic? Sounds a bit like a return to endentured servatude.

As an advocate of reaching the "real child" in all they do and all they can do, the idea of feminine and masculine can be reached from many sides and many avenues. There is a natural law which dictates certain things, but that's fundamental, and given. The avenues to the natural should be fun and filled with all kinds of choices.

My advice for parents is not to shorten those paths with a rediculously cheapened version of either masculinity or femininity.