So when DO children finally decide that they will fit into society and do what is expected? That depends on what they are seeing in their models, or what they are gleaning from what they see.
Every human child develops a little differently from another and at different times. There are lots of components to making up a pattern of behavior. We have to consider the personalities of the parents, the environment, intelligence, exposure to things, the ability to experience, and the motivation to use new ideas, and many many more.
There are many obstacles to growing up for many children that parents don't see because they are repeating what they grew up with, and that's their pattern that is being handed down to their child. In my own background, I rejected many things my parents did in order not to bring the kind of chaos they loved into my own home because I felt it was destructive. Sometimes we have to examine our lives and reject or rebuild patterns for our own sake and the sake of our children.
In my own childhood there were few rules because my parents weren't home long enough to establish rules, so rules came and went like bullets, and if you got in the way, you were shot by one of these emerging rules, and punishment was a lot like impending death.
I liked the idea of few rules for my own family because I think children should think things through and come to their own conclusions about the world. Consequently, when something went wrong, some brief questions about what should have gone right was enough to curb further stupid behavior. Enough independence and freedom encourages children to think things through.
I was never a coddler. I'm not enamored of infants. I think infants should become three in about two weeks. The whole idea of infant care leaves me cold. I was lucky; my children were infants for about six months, and then they were more or less toddlers. At two, they were three. They expected one another to speak intelligently early, be potty trained by eighteen months, and start very early contributing to the work.
This independence contributed to exploration. Brendan tried to build a nuclear accelerator in his bedroom in high school. Molly was the only girl fire cadet in Warrick - Vanderburgh Counties. Katy trudged off to the Navy at barely eighteen. Anne announced to Angelo that she WOULD be cooking for him when she was seventeen. He said it would last a week, and it lasted seven years, and she still cooks for him when she visits EVV.
So where do all these tangents lead? I think the success rate for very young children doubles when we let go and let them. If a child's favorite toy is the parent, there is a problem of independence. A lack of independence will manifest itself in selfishness, stubbornness, and neglect of the world. When a child doesn't have to really do anything real for himself, he is negatively charged to be hostilely dependent on the parent, and that's where the poor behavior comes from.
It's a question of motivation or ability - that's where the parent's parenting skills come in. Is my child able to listen to me or not? Is my child motivated to listen to me or not? It's usually pretty clear. Listening to the parent's direction comes from respect. Respect often comes from fear. Sometimes the fear is simply a sense in the child that he or she has disappointed the parent. Most children want to please; it's in their natures; it's a goodness. When they don't listen or don't want to please, the parent needs to find out why and change his or her behavior to accommodate a better exchange.
We had a child at school who could strike and scream at his parents. It was OK behavior. When he did the same thing at school, the parents recognized his behavior, but they could not take the next step to stop it. When the child tied to kick me, and I grabbed his foot and sent him flying, he was so surprised that he quit acting out at school. Why couldn't his parents do this when he first showed this kind of behavior? Probably because hideous tantrums and screaming and kicking behaviors belonged to the parents as well who learned this from their own parents, who...
We had a child who refused to listen and invariably got most work assignments wrong, didn't know what we were doing and generally was lost most of the time. It translated into terrible behavior. When approaching the parents, the subject was changed almost immediately; teacher's sentences were intercepted, and both parents turned physically away from the conversation. Where did the child's behavior come from?
We had a child at school who had no concept of right or wrong. When dealing with the parents, they didn't either, and the child ended up in the special classroom for the socially disordered.
These are extreme cases, but the story is the same. It's a matter of early independence. Give a human being the independence to achieve good things in his life from the beginning, and he will prosper. The nature of the human being is be independent, to make appropriate choices, to achieve on his or her own.
Independence is brought on by doing. A three year old can and should dress himself and should be able to choose his own clothes. A three year old should use the bathroom alone. A three year old should bath himself within earshot of mom or dad and know when he is done. A three year old should be able to choose what on the plate he or she wants to eat and eat it at his or her own rate. There should be consequences and the three year old should know it. A three year old should be able to choose his or her own toys, play with them and put them away. A three year old should be able to begin making his or her bed and putting his or her clothes in the hamper.
Threes can set the table; help feed the house hold animals; help mom choose fruits and vegetables at the grocery store; run household errands like fetching a sweater off a bed, closing a door, finding a pair of glasses.
By six, a child should be able to do a lot more. By letting go and letting a child do, other things fall naturally into place. Nobody wants to be an ornament.
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