Sunday's Plate

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about lately, is response, because I am finding that many of the little children don't respond to questions, statements or commands, and I've been wondering why. More often than not, children will sit soberly and stare at whomever is asking, telling or commanding. It's an interesting phenomena at a time when communications hardware and software are at nearly everyone's daily fingertips. Parents text without ceasing; they phone, chat, send emails, send Facebook messages, twitter, and otherwise spend hours a day communicating with all kinds of people - every day - but children are not learning.

Human response is a part of good communication skills. Most of us learn to respond in the first year of life. Mom smiles and we smile. Mom says something silly, and we laugh. Someone says "no" and we cry. Someone ignores us and we feel sad. Someone is mean to us and we don't understand.

Some children don't get that first year lesson on response, and because they have no opportunity to respond, they are, at four and five, unable to respond. This is called a processing problem. When sounds are channeled into a child's head - like too much TV - and there is no one to demand a response, the child does not learn to do this very human activity. There are many children with this developmental difficulty. You can detect this problem in a child by listening to him or her after asking a question. If you can get some kind of sound in response, most of the babble is senseless.

But there is another even more frightening almost syndrome creeping into our world and that syndrome is the failure of response. Have you ever noticed that there are some people who speak as if there is no one there? It's as if they were holding some kind of private court and response is not only not needed but definitely not wanted. There is a declaration of purpose, then a response to their declaration, then the conversation comes to an abrupt halt.

There are those who report upon their every moment's trivia, and then the conversation is over. There are those for whom we do something special or noteworthy and the response is non existent. This is how four year old children enter the world when they have not been trained properly. "I did this and this and this, so there."

"Johnny, I was so proud of you for knowing that answer," and Johnny responds, "Are we going out yet?"

So what do we want to teach our children when it comes to response? What's important and how do we do it?

I think Scripture says it best, "Anticipate one another." This wonderful lesson says it all about communication skills because it takes into consideration that "the other" who is entering into communication with us is a person with needs, talents, a voice, a presence, a purpose, a body, a soul and a mind. When God first approached Noah, He anticipated Noah's point of view. He treated Noah as a person with talents and needs, and a voice because He obviously thought it through. The question to ask is, "Who am I speaking with? Who is this person?" "What are his individual needs, and how can my patois compliment us so that we can develop a friendship and a trust?"

Perhaps the first thing to teach a child about communication and response is to put a drape on the mirror and tell Narcissus to get a clue. We are not speaking with self when we communicate. We are speaking with another - another who is not necessarily like us.

When we choose someone to speak with, do we simply treat this person like everyone else? It may be politically correct, but it will destroy communication skills more quickly than anything else that comes to mind. People like to be recognized as individuals - it's an American thing, but individuality and is worth thinking about. Not everyone likes to be "hey you." And that includes children.

When choosing someone to speak with, it's always nice to assume that the other has an equal amount to say. That's why we ask questions, listen politely to responses, and add something of interest if there is something to add. Someone's conversation is not a backdrop for our memories, stories or lies. It's a time to listen carefully and lovingly and respond to them because they are important.

Teaching this to a child is not difficult if one models this skill as often as one opens one's mouth.

The rare person compliments. The rarer person says thank you. These are very difficult concepts for the modern adult, and consequently, few children learn this at all. Children of people who never say thank you or strike a compliment never learn how. To actually pull away from Narcissus's mirror long enough to realize that someone has done something quite unique or special and make a noise, a happy noise about the others work is appallingly rare. How will children ever become aware of the unique or special or rare if a happy noise is never uttered?

Anticipate one another. In order to do this, and model this for our children, we must be aware of other people's needs. When a child comes to us and meekly asks a question, this is a precious and priceless jewel. Do we brush him off with a platitude? Do we rudely interrupt him or walk out of the room half way through is question? Do we scorn a child who is asking?

Not if you think it through. Listen, interpret, ask questions, get it right, and what you have managed to do becomes remarkable - you have truly loved a little child because you have listened with your heart and have draped Narcissus. This is the overwhelming need children have.

Children are no different from adults. Each one is different and unique. Each one needs someone to listen to him, to respond individually to him, to anticipate him and to treat him as if he is important. This week, listen, learn, anticipate, understand, and put the shroud on Narcissus, you'll be glad you did.