It's a whole new world of raising children. Used to be we raised vegetables and reared children. Nobody knows what the word "reared" means any more, and probably because the word "rear" means to erect by building and to raise upright. The meaning of rearing a child is to make him a substantial (upright) adult by means of formation (building). Formation comes from a whole set of ideas that are implemented by loving and thinking families.
Out of economic necessity, today's busy parents don't spend all day with their children. Children go to school early, and at least some of the formation becomes the project of hired help. Who is helping to "rear" your child? It's an important question to ask, re-ask, and ask again. What are the implemented structures of this hired help and how will they influence your child?
Formation took a giant nosedive when the policy at early childhood centers suddenly became: "A provider never says 'NO" to a child." Instead we "redirect" that child to do something other than what he would ordinarily be told "no" about at home. When Johnny is crushing the skull of Sam because Sam broke the Lego structure Johnny had spent an hour building, we redirect Johnny because Johnny has become the culprit. Sam is taken away from the crushing and his tears are appeased. That sets up some really unreal and confusing struggles inside and out for both children.
In the natural un-parented world of child's play, a child who is destructive would be firmly put into his rightful place - he would get his head crushed for a short time by Johnny for trespassing upon Johnny's project. Sam would learn, "Oops that's a wrong thing I did." And then he would figure out what he should and should not do and what the punishment is when he breaks the kiddie rules.
But under the watchful an not necessarily understanding eye of early childhood hired help, the perpetrator switches places with the victim. The destruction becomes OK, the builder is removed from his project, and the lesson learned is: "I can smash anyone's work and they can't get me" along with "What's the point in making anything, it's just going to be smashed."
Are we really watching the shop? Or have we all succumbed to the appeasement mode of the new age idea that peace and harmony are best served by ignoring what is really going on.
Children haven't changed over the years; they are still primitive and learning about the world. They test one another as well as every adult in their path. Their sense of justice and fair play is other than the adult world. They see things unadulterated by modern ideas and modern slogans. They are and continue to be "The Lord of The Flies" boys and girls.
Civilization takes years of work to convince a child that civilization is better than anarchy and the natural state of man against man. And often it doesn't work. That's where criminalization comes into play. When we fail to form a child, to convince him that the natural state is lesser than civilization, we lose him to a world of "It's only wrong if I get caught" and there will be someone to appease my mistake" and that becomes the game.
Trust of civilization does not come with "removing the builder from his work." It comes with removing the destroyer from the play altogether and firmly telling him what he has done that is unacceptable. That means a big "no" and correction. But it also means that the provider has to have an investment in both children as human beings and be willing to teach both children what civilization demands in the way of fair play, destruction, and punishment.
But too often, we get appeasement as the name of the childcare game. We appease the moment to create a false sense of harmony and peace. We end conflicts and fights anyway we can often letting kiddie justice fail and lessons be trashed. "I don't want to put my coat on, Mom, because I'm hot." The teachers stands back to allow the parent to parent - there is a conflict and "we never say 'no' to a child."
"It's 14 degrees outside," retorts the mom looking helplessly toward the provider who has worked with this child all day.
"I don't want to," says the child, and begins to whine and snivel.
"Leslie, put your coat on."
The child throws herself onto the floor and kicks and screams. The mother sighs. She's worked hard all day and now she has this additional hurdle to manage before driving home. "OK, but you have to run really fast to the car, because it's COLD outside, she appeases."
"I don't want to run," sobs the child.
"OK, Mommy will hold you."
"No, don't hold me."
The child has backed her appeasing mother into a corner and is holding the evening at emotional gunpoint while the hired help stands back.
Johnny is leaving school at the same time as Leslie. Johnny's mother is furious with him for crushing Sam's skull. Sam stands back and sticks his tongue out at Johnny. Leslie, who is still lying on the floor says, "Johnny is a bad boy."
This world is upside down, and the only ones who know it are the kids.
Let's correct the day.
When Sam destroys Johnny's building, the teacher separates the boys. That's her job. But instead of blaming Johnny, Sam is sent sharply away to spend some time with his head down to think about what he has done, and then he is told to appologize to Johnny. That's the only way a teaching adult is able to compliment the children's play. The teacher helps Johnny to put the building back together which demonstrates to Johnny that his building is important. That also demonstrates to the other children what is important.
Later, when mother comes for Leslie, the teacher helps the parent who has been absent all day by saying, "Leslie, I can help you with your coat while your mother, who has worked hard all day, waits for you in the car." If the child balks, the provider should encourage mom to do just that - leave without her - and if she does, Leslie probably won't do that again. Lesson learned.
This is formation, and it belongs to all the adults responsible. It requires that both the parent and the provider have agreed that civilization is more important than chaos. When parents hire adults to help "rear" their child, they are not buying slogans and convenience. They are buying a partnership and that partnership should never amount to appeasement.
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