Entrusting a Child by Judy Lyden

Parents entrust children to a school - especially an early childhood school. Parents form a bond with teachers and the director, and if it goes as it should go, the time a child spends at school will be a productive time, a learning time, a time when independence and a sense of self emerges to help the child do well all his life at whatever he tries.

Every summer I am doubly annoyed by the intrusive and trespassing third party who inches it's way into the covenant of parent and teacher. Every summer, a parent at a public facility - usually the pool - will do one of three things: scream at one of our teachers for disciplining a child; try to grab a child from the school and carry him or her off to sooth some problem; or simply fight with a teacher about the "proper way" to care for a child.

No child likes to be scolded about poor public behavior, but I can guarantee any parent that a child will be scolded if they do dangerous or self indulgent things. If a child pushes another child under the water, the pusher will be scolded and sat out along the side of the pool for a period of time. If a child invades a family's space and takes toys not belonging to the Garden School, they will be told to return the toys and leave the family alone. If a child tries to leave the pool area where he belongs, he is done swimming for the day. These are "have to be" rules for the sake of the community of swimmers.

But no matter how much a child is warned, told, instructed, there are those who will test the waters right up to the pool's edge. And parents know that we are tough, strict, and stick to our guns and because we do, we are able to do remarkable things with remarkable behavior.

But at the same time, those big and public "NOs" often make a stubborn child weep. There won't be any tears because the child is neither frightened nor hurt; the child is angry and the most you will get is noise in a great big way, so wailing, sniveling and piercing shrieks are often the issue.

This is where the trespassing do gooder begins to annoy me. "Why is that child crying?" demands a middle aged woman as she leaves her own charges to do anything they want like go too deep in the water or disappear.

"None of your business" is the correct answer. Most teachers will tell Mrs. Buttinsky that the child is fine just angry from breaking the rules.

"Well, she's been crying for a very long time."

"That's because she's not getting her way."

"Well, I think it's a disgrace to have a child who is crying."

"I'm sorry that you are disgraced by discipline."

At this point Mrs. Buttinsky, huffing like a race-tiger, dashes to the child, swoops her into strange arms and proceeds to take the child away from the group.

What's wrong with this scenario?

Good Samaritan? Nasty teacher? Bad communication?

What is wrong with this scenario is kidnapping. Mrs. Buttinsky is stepping over the limits of parent teacher covenant and attempting something that will only be viewed as a kidnapping attempt. The child was not hurt; the child was disciplined. The child yelps were not a product of calling for help, but for attention to be paid. When the police are called, and they have been called when Mrs. Buttinsky has jumped the limit, the police are always on the side of the care provider simply because of the covenant created at the free will of both the parent and the teacher.

Strangers are strangers and have no business usurping the agreement parents have with a teacher. Strangers also have no business touching a child who is not in their company. Adults in the public have no business undermining the care between a teacher and a child.

Children are often poorly behaved. It's the nature of children. They are not yet reasonable, and sometimes they do the wrong thing. But in order to teach, in order to make an impression, a scolding and a period of thinking it through is the only really fair option to give a child who needs that time to remember the rules.

Mrs. Buttinsky can only ruin that child's learning time and squash a teacher's resolve to teach the child.