"I want it NOW! screams Verucca, and daddy shrinks into a jelly fish.
"Well, little Johnny doesn't much like going to his room; he doesn't like it when we say no; he doesn't care for being in time out." Uhhhhh...yeah...ummm he's not supposed to like it.
Many children rule their perspective roosts. They lay down the rules for mom and and dad and keep them hopping through the hoops as fast as their little feet can hop and Johnny has a bull whip. It's not real; it's a verbal bull whip that has hot feisty tears attached and a scathing reproachful tongue to deliver those words that make some parents shake in fear. Little Johnny, by God, is going to get what little Johnny wants or somebody is going to pay.
And where does this inordinate chaos come from? It comes from the second and third years when mom and dad didn't quite take hold of the child, and because they didn't, the child took hold of them because, you know, someone had to, and it might as well have been little Johnny.
Many parents have no idea how to care for a toddler. Most can handle a baby, but after the first year when the walking begins, childcare all but falls to ruin in many homes. Children aren't the same prisoners of their little bodies, and their minds are developing at such a rate, many inexperienced mothers just can't stay one step ahead of the child.
Toddlers want to run, climb, roll...might as well put them into a room fully padded and say, "Have at it kid." Holding, calming, soothing, talking sweetly to a kid who just wants to run is going to make two people very unhappy. Might as well just kid proof the house, block the stairs, and let the kid run. It won't last forever. And get the child out EVERY day for a couple of hours at least. This running and climbing is natural and it's supposed to be like this.
By age two, a child begins to need a LOT of structure. "No" becomes the vocabulary word of the year. This is the true mommy and me year. It's a head to head all year. The child's brain is working about as fast as a desert absorbing water after a quick rain. Take and show a two year old everything possible. He will not respond at first, but by the end of his two year old year, he will love his closeness with his parents, but the word "NO" is always in the background ready to structure and discipline, and every child needs the "NO" parameter.
This two year old year is the make or break year for the beast child. Children who set the agenda and take the power seat do so in this year. When parents refuse to take the reins - for whatever reason - and instruct a child, the child will lose all respect for the parent and begin to throw tantrums, order the parent around and refuse nearly anything the now disrespected parent tries to do.
Table training, toilet training, talking, dressing, building, listening, and manners are all accomplished in this two year old year. By age three, a child should be ready to learn in a group, and if the the first three years are handled properly by the parent, the child's crossover to the preschool age should be a snap.
Why do parents let the child take the reins? Many parents make toddlers cry by refusing them the physical outlets that the child desires. A toddler has not learned to express himself, so he cries. It's natural, but there are times when a toddler is so angry that he will blood curdling scream, and if the parent gives in once, the toddler has him in the guilty zone, and he's his forever! Or so thinks the toddler. The next conflict the toddler will again curdle his own blood and screech even louder hoping the parent will give in. Every time the parent gives in, the toddler becomes more and more of the boss.
After months of giving in, the parent has lost control and just appeases the toddler until the child is two and adds words to his screeching and says, "I hate you." At this point, the parent is so afraid to make the child unhappy, he runs after the child like Varucca Salt's father in bitter fear that the child really does "hate" the parent.
As the child becomes three, the child with an intelligence is bored with his game and really wants a parent to exchange ideas with, to talk with and to respect. But the history is set in stone, and the child is lost without an adult in his life.
Many children end up rearing themselves.
Getting back the reins is hard. It takes a lot of work, but it's the best work a parent will ever do. Working with a three year old is easier than working with a two year old because a three year old is tired of the game, and has more cognition than the two year old. It's as if the three year old sees more than himself in the hand mirror.
Retrieving the reins means learning to say "NO" and mean it. That means there is no victim and there are no excuses. A parent is supposed to say "NO" and do it sometimes in a loud voice. It's a safety issue. Somebody MUST be in charge, and it really shouldn't be the child. The word "NO" can't be over used to begin with. Tears are tears there are three types of tears, angry- no tears; sad - tears; hurt - tears. When there is noise but no tears, you can pretty much bet that the anger level is mountain high. It's not time for the parent to assume the jelly fish position, it's time for the child to isolate. "Go cry someplace where I can't see or hear you." This usually sends a tyrant into orbit, but it's an orbit that can be spent alone...in the privacy of the tyrant's room. And there can't be a refusal to go because the parent is in charge...remember? Screaming is a weapon. Are you going to let someone attack you with the weapon of choice, or are you going to say, "NO!"
Yesterday on the bus, a six year old was screaming because he didn't get his way. "You're not going to do that because you don't have any reason to do that. You've had a nice day. Quit now or it's your last field trip." Instant silence. Why? Because I have leverage. I have something the child wants, and his good behavior is going to get that while his poor behavior will lose it sure as the sun rises in the morning.
Every parent needs leverage against a tyrant and time alone usually is that leverage. It might take weeks to fight a battle of wills, but come on, do you really care if a "tyrant" is sitting all by him or her self? The more time alone, the more quiet there is in the house and the closer a parent is to taking back the control of the home.
Parents are supposed to be in control of the home, so suit up, grab the "NO" word and wait for the assailant. And remember, allowing a child to be a tyrant through the preschool years will only encourage them to be tyrannical as grade schoolers and then high school comes and the child is no longer manageable by parent, counselor or principal.
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