Just Thinking It Over

This weekend was lovely. My beloved Anne came home to spend a rushed day, and Miss Molly and Anne got to spend some time together and I got some time with Anne...and it caused me to think about my own mother. I loved my mother, there is no doubt, but the mother/daughter gig was not a happy arrangement.

My mother died at ninety-one, and I would say she spent very few days affectionate towards me. She simply did not like me, nor did she wish me well. She was unkind most of the time, humiliating and punishing and rarely approving. She was golden girl of the Alphie Kohn method of parenting, and it did NOT work.

People sometimes talk about spending time - just one more day, hour, lunch, or evening - with someone who has died. I see it on Facebook all the time..."If I could just spend one more day..." Not me. I wouldn't want to spend thirty seconds with either my mother or my father simply because I don't want to spend time with anyone who is constantly unkind to me. It's that simple.

It's the same with friends, husbands, and other relatives and even work environments. Do you really want to spend the time you have been given with people who make fun of you; cut your dialogue off; make you wait in line for any recognition; take phone calls on your time; forget you in all kinds of situations; lose your things? It's really no ones duty to sustain constant insults, belittling, lies, and even taking seconds over and over again for the sake of "family" or the "work environment" or for the sake of an "old friend" simply because you've known them forever? Or even a husband who is rude, unkind or simplistically male?

Over the last year, I've lost three old friends who I've had for at least twenty years...no they didn't die...they simply became so unkind, I decided that the cost was too great to continue the friendships. Do I miss them? Not in the slightest. I can't seem to miss people in my life who are unkind who use me, abuse me and then ignore me.

When I look at the children at the Garden School, I sometimes watch them play, and occasionally I will hear, "If you don't, I won't..." I would love to hear the response, "So what?" or "Go ahead because nobody cares." Children need to have their friendships monitored by loving parents. They need to know when they have taken the friendship on a wrong turn. Children need to learn from the beginning that there are rules about how we treat one another, how to say a "no" if their friend does something un-friendly.

Friendships are meant to be cherished, to be cultivated, to be loved and not to be a stepping stone to another one, or a time waster, or a crutch, or a pathology looking for a place crash. A friendship is companionship; it's a give and take; it's a soft spot in the road of life.

Encouraging real friendships is not only a parent's duty, it's a responsibility. Ask your children who their best friend is and why. Talk about your child's friend at home, and encourage your child to always be kind.