Tuesday's Teacher - The Troubled Three

Skipper, the precious three year old son of a nice young couple begins school throwing tantrums, becoming defiant and belligerent, spitting, using bad language, disrupting and deliberately assaulting other little guys at school. The teachers immediately corner the parent.

"He doesn't do that at home," says the astonished parent to the teacher.

"He doesn't have thirty-five competitors at home," retorts the teacher.

"We don't tolerate that kind of behavior at home," reassures the parent.

"I'm glad to hear that, because we can't allow this behavior to go on here either. Now what are we going to do about it? Let's begin with the tantrums. What do you do when your child throws a tantrum at home?"

"We give in and appease him. It's just easier."

A child who throws tantrums is a child who has taken or been given the command of his home. And when a child rules at home, that child will usually take that ruling hand with him to school and assume that his is the last word. Many children are shocked when they find out that they can't command teachers as easily as they do their parents. It's a respect issue.

A tantrum means a child is screaming for boundaries, for the word "NO." A child who throws tantrums is a child out of control because there is no control, and that child is frightened to death that he or she is all alone in the world. There is no law and order and that is the most unsafe, scary, and lonely feeling in the whole world. Because children don't have the vocabulary to express that fear, they throw tantrums.

Best way to stop tantrums is to insist that the tantrum go to a place where it cannot be heard. The parent says not a single word, but carries the child to a quiet place and leaves him or her there to wallow in self pity alone. We don't discuss tantrums, we don't scorn, laugh, punish, or lose our temper. We carry and ignore. When the self indulgence is played out; it's over. The child can return to the activities.

It is never a good idea to appease bad behavior. It is always a good idea to remove badly behaved children from other children's play. Consistency and a casual calm will do more to curb tantrums than all the words there are.

But the root of tantrums is a gap in parenting. Somehow, the child has gleaned that all is not safe, and somehow he or she is not protected. Finding that gap and filling it in will help in ending tantrums. Children don't like too many adult choices. They like routine, they like security, so that they can enjoy playing and being a child. Too often, children are given too much responsibility and too many choices. It's confusing to a very young child, and too much choice often makes children frightened that they are unsafe.

Most poor behavior including tantrums is copied from the parents or older siblings. When children spit, hit, scream at other children, use bad language, you can be that this is what they are seeing at home in the ongoing example of everyday life.

When children are disruptive, you can bet that life at home is chaotic, that order is far from the door. Order teaches order. Chaos teaches chaos.

Changing a child's behavior often means changing an adult's behavior first, because children model their behavior after their parents. Children want to be like their parents. They want to do what their parents do.

No parent has to shout, scream, punch a wall or hit a child. The very best response to poor behavior in a child, after examining one's own conscience, is to tell a child quietly that their behavior is not acceptable, and then remove the child to think about what the child has done or failed to do. When a child knows what he's done, no words are necessary. Send or take the child to his room or sleeping place and leave him there to think about his behavior.

Less is always more. Children never listen past the third word of correction. Ranting and raving only make children rant and rave. But that steady, calm look of disdain, and the silent removal to the sleeping place will do more as punishment than all the words or smacks that an angry parent can muster.

Sound easy? It's never easy, and emotions will always make anger rise. But if a parent can separate himself from the offending child, it helps mitigate the angry emotions on both sides of the parent/child conflict.

Children do know the rules. They can probably recite them and everything you've always told them about the rules. So why do they disobey, disrupt? I don't know. Go look in the mirror to answer that question.