Thursday's Thought

Do kids seem to be ruder and less mannered than ever before?

Some say the profile of today’s typical very young child is a profile which excludes manners all

together. Why, in a culture where graciousness and altruism and that “outgoing resolve to do for

others” do American children suddenly come across as mannerless?

Eight preschool children sit together at lunch. Two fruit trays grace the table each has several kinds of fruit to choose from. One child stands up, leans across the entire table and grabs all the grapes off both plates with both hands. He spills three glasses of milk into the laps of his friends. He neither says I’m sorry nor does he make a move to help clean up.

The essence of manners is to put another person before ourselves. That’s the element that seems to have suddenly evaporated. The new trend is me first --before anyone and everything.

In a crowded fast food restaurant, a child screams for what he wants. Because mom isn’t listening, he kicks her. Mom cowers to his needs. Does this response bring about a social order?

What if mom corrected the child with a single embarrassing moment? A quick swat and a fast trip home empty handed? Would the child learn that the cost of assaulting mom means a great big loss for him?

Bad manners are not learned. Bad manners are natural selfish impulses that children are allowed to have. It’s not a matter of training; it’s a matter of adult neglect. Children with bad manners are children who genuinely are very unhappy because the focus of love is turned on themselves.

Curbing poor manners and developing good ones means placing limits on the child. It means saying no, a lot. A caring adult may have to tug of war with a child to bring about change and to forbid an habitual “me first” attitude. It often means taking ordinary things and privileges away, and that’s tougher on parents than children.

As far as the lunch table grabber goes, removing the child from the table and taking his plate away until the other children have finished will teach him to think about being first all the time. He might fuss and storm and cry out in kiddie language that his rights have been stomped on, but caring adults will teach him to share.

Teaching good manners is not that difficult. Adults who want to teach manners to children should decide what is appropriate. But just telling a child no and demanding certain vague and disconnected rules won’t work. Teaching manners goes a lot deeper.

Instructing children about the worth of others, and showing them how to be gracious and respectful to those they meet both in public and private whether they return good manners or not is a good beginning.

Simple training means always saying please, thank you, I’m sorry, excuse me. As children grow, they should add a personal touch to simple good manners.

“Molly, may I please have some grapes?”

“Thank you, Mom for taking me out to dinner.”

Teaching manners may begin with lots of nos, but somehow they always end in an “I love you.”