Living with Manners by Judy Lyden

In our crazy mixed up world, it's hard to convince children that manners count. "Why should I?" comes the most innocent voice. "Why should I let girls go first? Why should I let grandma sit down in MY chair? Why should I use a napkin when my sleeve works just fine? Why should I say excuse me, thank you, I'm sorry, or please? I don't mean any of those things."

Good manners mean putting self second. Does anyone really do that anymore? It's a hand mirror world and getting ahead, being recognized as the best, the only, the ultimate is what the game is all about, so why should I lower myself to have what you are describing as "good manners?"

Manners are a lot like grammar - both manners and grammar allow an understanding to those who use them of how things really work. There really IS a pecking order -- always has been and always will be -- that stratifies those who know how to speak, dress, and live and it includes speech and the ability to use the right tenses, know where the prepositions go, and how to choose the right past participle. It includes knowing what to wear and when, and yes there are rules about what we where and when, and finally, it includes how to live in a manner that won't shock the neighbors. In fact, living by a mannerly code includes a kind of graciousness that befriends many and makes no one feel like odd man out.

Being kind to one another begins in school. Children often learn the hard way that they are not always first, that there are lines and sometimes they are last. When children begin to share, they begin to appreciate the presence and importance of others. This is where friendship begins to germinate. "I want; I need; I like give way to we want; you want; he, she or it wants.

Offering a new friend your "other" pencil or the last half of your sandwich, or half of your candy bar makes the offer-er appreciate the needs and wants of another person. By recognizing need or want in another, the very bottom line in manners beams forth like a celestial light.

Manners removes incessant talking and opens the door to listening. The ability to STOP and let someone else - without anger, frustration or jealousy engages manners on manners' most primitive level. By "letting another" function to his or her best ability without coveting his time, space or job is fundamental good manners. THIS is good manners; you can also call them teaching manners.

Knowing which fork to use at a big pretentious dinner, (always use the outer most fork ;-}) or which is the correct wine glass, ( don't worry nobody else knows either) or knowing that RSVP on an invitation is poor taste ( because if you don't know enough to respond, then all the initials in the world aren't going to clue you in) are all second rate "manners" in comparison to "letting another" thrive, grow, be their best.

"Letting a child" leads us to another golden rule manner - rudeness to a child, a dog, a stranger or someone you don't like is none the less rude, and people who treat anyone as if they are beneath self have the manners of a slug. Scripture says, "Anticipate one another." That means know each other and one another's needs, and preferences and remember to care for them as you would yourself as the moments pass.

Teaching children is not hard if our own example is simply "good." Do as you would like your children to do. Be as polite as you would like your children to be. Be as careful and loving as you would like your children to be. Because they are watching, listening and learning by watching parents interact with others.

Don't worry about where to wear your napkin, or that white is put away after summer unless it's wool, or that only cowboys may wear hats indoors and women never wear hats after 5:00 - these are shallow manners and count only by those who are looking to discredit you - those who imagine a lofty self.

This week at school we are being watchful for children who are learning to care for one another, to befriend one another and to care for the moments at hand. These are the manners prize winners. At home, children should be attentive to those around him or her.