A Book to Buy on Families

Parenting Humorist Susan Konig writes:

Why Animals Sleep so Close to the Road (And Other Lies I Tell My Children)

Susan Konig lives in Westchester County, New York with her husband Dave, four children, a cat named Peaches and a lab mix named Cookie. Ms. Konig is a freelance writer and writes a column for the National Review Online and Catholic Digest. She is a former columnist for the New York Post and has also worked for Seventeen Magazine and the Washington Post. Susan Konig is an expert on city mouse-hunting, suburban house-hunting and lying to the kids about the fate of Bambi’s mother and other unfortunate Disney demises. More information on Susan Konig is available at www.susankonig.com.

“I think that just about every woman whose calendar is now filled with more play dates than spa treatments and whose apartment has gone from comfy to cramped can relate to this book,” said Susan Konig. “With the fourth child we face a new logistical challenge. Now we perform a daily headcount. Where are all the children? Who has to be where and when? What room did I leave the baby in? If a 2-year-old dog is fourteen in human years, can that count as a babysitter? She’s very protective.”

Here are some funnies from the book:

On Lying to the Kids:

I lie to my kids. Not just sometimes – all the time. I’m a big stinky liar. Sure, sure, it’s important to tell your kids the truth. Except when it’s better to just flat out lie.

On City Versus Suburban Living:

I’d miss the sprinklers in the playgrounds from Central Park to Carl Schurz on the East River …I wouldn’t miss the organization – on par with the invasion of Normandy – that it took for me to get my two kids out the door with bathing suits, towels, water shoes, buckets, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, crackers, juice boxes, apple slices, Pull-Ups, wipes – and a bottle of gin for Mommy (just kidding).

On Hiring a Cleaning Service for the First Time:

I arranged a pre-cleaning appointment...Of course I didn’t want them to think we were a family of unrepentant slobs, so I tidied up before they came… I never found anything quite so exhausting as the luxury of having a cleaning service.

On Teaching Her Son How to Swim:

I threatened and bribed him (two things all the parenting books say never to do but which are, along with lying, my major tools as a mother). “Practice floating and you can go under again...” No floating, no going under the water!” I reprimanded and taunted him (I skipped that chapter in the parenting books, too).

On Suburban Wildlife:

I was told there are things that I could plant around the yard that skunks don’t like. Mothballs, for instance. I was giving this a try one day when our house painters, local guys, complained of the lingering odor on our property. I asked their advice. “You need to get a Havahart trap,” one guy told me. “You know, the kind that doesn’t hurt them.” That sounded like a plan. “But then what do you do with it?” I asked. “Oh, then you drown ‘em.” I didn’t ask my painters for much animal-control advice after that.

On Being Forced to Come Clean to Her Daughter about Scout, the Deceased Family Cat:

“So where is she?” “In a special box.” “Where’s the special box?” …I had no choice but to fall back on the last resort of parenthood – I told her the truth. “In my closet.” That admitted, we planned a nice burial ceremony out back…Hopefully she wouldn’t make the connection that, to date, everything I’d attempted to bury in our backyard (daffodils, tulip bulbs) had been dug up and eaten by squirrels.

Expect to find this at the Garden School soon. It's a must buy.