Writing the Letter of Your Life

Mardie Caldwell has this advice in her book about writing a Birth Mother:

In writing your Dear Birth Mother letter, speak from the heart. Your adoptive parent profile has to sketch an intriguing and truthful portrait of who you are and the kind of parent you'll be.

Caldwell offers a trove of tips on writing and posting a letter that will stand out from the pack and capture the attention of a prospective birth mother. "When you tell about your childhood, she wants to know what you learned that made you into the person you are, the parent you will be: the morning you saved the life of a sparrow fallen from its nest, or the time you broke your mother's favorite cookie jar and she responded not with anger, but with love and a kiss," she writes.

"You will want to cover the essential topics: life in your home, the people in your family, the fun things you do, and your ideas about parenting. Share yourself with your birth mother. She will appreciate it."

Little things can mean a lot to a birth mother. Something that you might consider trivial could be the deciding factor for a birth mother. Caldwell tells of one couple she worked with whose profile had not gotten a nibble from even one of some fifty birth mothers. The reason? The husband, Larry, had a full, bushy beard that made him look--in the words of one of the birth mothers--like "an ax murderer." Once he shaved his beard and submitted a new photo, the couple was soon matched with a birth mother. "When they finally met in person, Larry had grown his beard back and that was okay," writes Caldwell. "By then the birth mother had gotten to know the person inside."

Here are some helpful tips:

1) Imagine yourself as a birth mother. Put yourself in her shoes. What would you want to know about prospective adoptive parents?

2) Share with her your genuine feelings, written personally. This will touch her heart and set you apart from other Dear Birth Mother letters.

3) Tell her that you will love her child unconditionally.

4) Most women are looking first and foremost for a family they can trust.

5) Don't make your profile too good to be true. The birth mother will sense that you're trying to manipulate her to get her baby. She won't trust your words.

6) Don't misrepresent yourself or try to impress by stretching the truth. Be yourself.

7) Tell stories; they move readers and are the most natural way to communicate.

8) Have several friends and relatives review the draft of your profile and make suggestions.

9) When you write about your life in areas such as Around the House, Holidays, Work, Your Passions, tell about the unique things that make you who you are.

10) Phrase your profile in a way that will not offend anyone. For example, don't write: I can provide your child a home you never could; instead say: I can provide a loving and safe home for your child.
11) Your faith may be important to birth mothers, but be brief when writing about it.

12) Don't preach or sound like you're trying to convert or rescue a birth mother. She'll sense that you're judging her for her lifestyle.

13) If you have a passion, for example, about basketball, don't bring it up in every paragraph. A birth mother wants adoptive parents with balance in their lives.

14) Don't whine about your infertility or the birth mother will believe you have unresolved infertility issues.

15) Briefly mention that you've tried to conceive, that doctors did all they could and that now you're thrilled to bring a child into your lives through adoption, if this is in fact what you did.

16) Your profile and the website where it's posted are the first images a birth family will see to judge you as prospective parents. Make the best first impression you can!

17) Few birth mothers respond to profiles on websites that are cluttered and poorly designed. So find a well-designed site for yours.

18) The number one reason that Web users click the stop button is slow downloading. If your profile doesn't load fast, put it on another site with a faster server or reduce the size of your images.

19) Be there when the birth mother calls. Be sure there's a live person to talk with her--i.e., your adoption professional, a friend or relative, or answering service personnel; it certainly should not be a machine or voice mail.

20) Have fun creating your profile and it will show you are really happy about adopting!