Listening and "NO"

One of the primary goals of teaching very young children is teaching them to listen. Listening is a skill we will use for a lifetime, so it’s best to teach a child when he is able to learn – at age three.

Listening is a skill that begins in infancy when a child listens for his mother and father. He hears their step; he hears their voice, and he turns to see them.

A child will listen over his toddler years for things he likes: the garbage truck, bells, a car door closing, a call to snack time, a tune from a TV show, and a hundred other familiar sounds.

At two, some children will listen while a parent reads to them. Most won’t sit for the whole book. It’s in that third year when a child is two that he learns the one giant step into listening land – he learns what the word “no” means, and he listens for it.

So often parents just don’t teach a child what “no” means. It’s negotiable, interpretable, and the parent goes back on his promise to care for the child by being wishy-washy on decisions made. “I want to be his friend,” weeps the weak mother.

“No” becomes maybe. You can’t bank on a maybe.

At three, a child who has not learned what no means, won’t listen. He has decided that the wishy-washy rules aren’t worth his time, and he proceeds to do his own thing. It’s charming for about five minutes.

At four, a child who has spent his life, as short as it is, in his own world will find the discipline of listening to understand impossible. Consequently, he will appear badly behaved and rather dull. He won’t know anything. “What’s your name?” “Huh?”

Getting a child to listen takes a lot of quick wits on the part of the teacher. It’s an uphill battle. Parents have the worst of it because a teacher knows how to say no. A parent, who has never done it ,won’t.

Here are some tough love pointers.

Before saying “no” decide what’s a no and what’s a could be. Choose your battles wisely. Once you make your decision, never go back on your word. Going back on “no” will make you seem weak and indecisive and a push over.

Say “no” firmly. Then stop. He only needs to be told once.

Don’t negotiate. A no is a no.

And if no is not obeyed, consequences should happen immediately, don’t wait. A cop out like “Well, if you don’t then…” That’s what kids are looking for. It’s called an out. Yours.

Practice saying no this weekend and mean it. If you have to, practice on the dog.